Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
